Feelings of Regret
by Fear0001
Summary: The events of Malachor broke Ezra, so much that he is finding it difficult to live. Every day Kanan can feel his Padawan slipping further and further away from him and to the dark side. On top of this, Ezra begins to enter a depressive state, full of nightmares and panic attacks, of which he is certain to be facing alone. Expect family fluff- One shot. Rated T for safety.
1. Chapter 1

**Hello my amazing viewers! This first idea will be split up into a few parts, and I'm just craving family fluff. Expect to see some Ezra/ Kanan super emotional moments, because that finale broke me. (I still need a hug) Please give me more ideas and requests and feel free to criticize. This is one of my first Fan fiction uploads, so please be kind.**

 **Note: I'm not telling you my exact age, but I'm not 14 yet! :) Yeah, you can guess my age. Ok, don't get put off by how old I am, please, and enjoy reading!**

Kanan could feel Ezra's fear and regret, almost as though it was radiating off him. Amidst the confusion, Kanan had almost forgotten about the pain, but now, sitting on the Phantom, his eyes felt white hot and ached. His mind burst with colours, with pictures, with people, all of which he wouldn't ever see again. Hera, Sabine, Zeb. Ezra. His little ray of sunlight, his apprentice, his reason to keep on going. Only sound and touch now.

Something bought him back to his senses, and he could feel Ezra sat close to him, though his body was tilted, almost as though he had his back to him. Kanan assumed that he was curled up in a ball, his usual extremely defensive position and wondered what he should do. Everything felt so different now that he couldn't see anything; it was as though a part of his brain was damaged, and so he called out Ezra's name to make sure that he was actually there, instead of just a memory. "Ezra?"

It was like magic the way that he sat bolt upright and then stood up, his hand on Kanan's arm.

"Yes, master?" Even now his voice displayed a hint of guilt and uncertainty. "D-do you need anything? Water? Your comm.? Medicine?"

"No, no, but thank you. Jus' making sure that your actually here, Y'know?" said Kanan, trying to lighten up the mood. When Ezra didn't sit down, Kanan frowned.

"What's up kid? _You_ need something. Because I'm fine really." Kanan felt Ezra give a small shrug before sitting down and curling up again. Kanan sighed. He was surprised at the way that Ezra was taking it, staying silent, and not even communicating with the force.

Clumsily, he slung an arm over his shoulders and bought him close to his chest, holding him tightly. Ezra buried his face into his shoulder and began sobbing. Kanan could have smiled. He seldom shared a touch with the reckless teen, once when he picked him up after he had used the dark force, and then another time when he had just found out about his parents death. He put his other arm around his back and pulled him into a tight hug.

Suddenly the red, pyramid shaped sith holocron touched Kanan and he nearly jerked back. Ezra moved and Kanan put his thumb under Ezra's chin, forcing him to look up.

"Ezra, you have to stop blaming yourself. I've never seen you in such a state." Ezra flinched. Kanan sighed heavily and moved his hand up his face to where the dampness was. With one finger he cleaned the tears and gave Ezra another hug.

"Hey, you have to breathe kid. I'd like to actually know that you're alive, especially since I can't see!" Wrong words. Even before they were out of his mouth Kanan knew that he had made a mistake.

Ezra inched away from Kanan and curled up in a ball. Kanan could hear the holocron fly across the ship and crash on the opposite wall. He heard something smash and then a cracking noise. "Ezra, stop-" Kanan began, but was then cut off by a groan of immeasurable pain that didn't belong to him.

"Ezra, what happened, what did do you do? And why did you send the pain to me, don't you think my eyes are enough to cope with?!" he could hear Ezra breathing heavily, before dropping what was in his hand on the floor and rushing to Kanan.

"N-nothing happened, m-my arm hurt. Yeah. And... I didn't send it to you, I promise." Said Ezra uncertainly. "Let me get some bandages and take that thing off your face, it's freaking me out." Kanan began to protest, but then pain won out and he shrugged his shoulders.

Small, nimble fingers worked at the mask, pricing it off. The gasp which had come out of Ezra's mouth before he could stop it caused Kanan to shudder, but he laughed carelessly.

"That bad, huh?" He asked. He could hear Ezra gulp as the tips of his fingers skimmed his eyelids, wincing.

"Um, it's, I don't know, you could say that I guess... Your face from the right side is completely ruined, burned and... And you, you don't seem to have any... what I mean is that it feels like you're..." Ezra's voice cracked and Kanan felt him turning away. "Look, I'll bandage it up, give you some numbing medicine and... We'll see what to do next." He felt Ezra stick two numbing pads on his right arm and the effects were immediate and satisfying. Ezra's fingers felt cold and shaky as they wrapped a bandage around his head. After he was done, Kanan sensed that he went out of the room, but he let him. The kid had enough on his mind to deal with.

 **Yay! Finished!**

 **I hope you enjoyed that, and I forgot to mention:**

 **Disclaimer- I do not own Star Wars Rebels, because if I did, I'd be rich by now. Hehe...**


	2. Chapter 2

**Hello rebels! Thank you so much, everyone who has read, liked, commented and followed me and my stories! I didn't expect so many people to enjoy this, so I have tried to update as fast as I can. I give credit to my friend at school, Iqra, who has given me ideas and storylines for this chapter. And now, for an extra special mention-**

 **Midnight Luna- Yes, I'm twelve :) . Hehe, your review made me smile.**

 **Cassturn93-Thank you so much for your review, it was so kind! Yeah, you can call me whatever you want.**

 **Sins007-Thank you for reviewing, and yes, I will try to do this more often, maybe in the other chapters though!**

 **Enough of this now, let's just get on with the chapter!**

 **Ezra's POV**

 **There is no emotion, there is peace...**

Is there...?

 _ **Peace is a lie, there is only passion...**_

No... Kanan wouldn't ever agree...

 **There is no ignorance, there is only knowledge...**

But I feel the ignorance...

 _ **Through passion, I gain strength...**_

Yes... I feel the passion-must hide all feeling...

 **There is no passion, there is serenity...**

But there is too much passion, too much feeling within me...

 _ **Through strength I gain power...**_

Stronger... More powerful... Yes, far stronger, far stronger, far...

My eyes snap open and I breathe heavily, quoting the sith code in my mind.

 _ **Peace is a lie, there is a lie, there is only passion**_

 _ **Through passion, I gain strength**_

 _ **Through strength I gain power**_

 _ **Through power I gain victory**_

 _ **Through victory my chains are broken**_

 _ **The Force will free me**_

I feel something stir inside me and gulp. I can feel something growing within me, something dark and dangerous, something uncontrollable. I will never forget my one mistake, my one drawback, my one regret. My trust in Maul, my ignorance, my craving for power and strength. But does that make me as bad as him? As bad the inquisitors? As bad as the sith? Yes, I got the sith holocron, and yes, I agreed to their code without second thoughts, without hesitation. But then _does_ that make me one of them?

I can't help but to think back to the outcomes of my actions. It cost Kanan's eyes, and Ahsoka...

I shake my head, biting my lip. Everything is so difficult, too difficult for me. My decisions always will be and always have been, brash and unsafe. My past contains traumas, my present contains regrets and my future contains horrors. This is my life. This is what I have to live for. Getting up, I slip my hand into my pocket and take out three pills. Three pills that can make all the difference. In my head I think of the Jedi code, which I have always been certain didn't reflect or explain me.

 **There is no emotion, there is peace**

 **There is no ignorance, there is knowledge**

 **There is no passion, there is serenity**

 **There is no chaos, there is harmony**

 **There is no death, there is the FORCE.**

Finally, I may be able to be at peace, be able to follow the Jedi code correctly. I might even die as a Jedi.

I close my eyes and breathe in slowly. I bring the pills to my mouth.

"Stop." I gasp.

The pills in my hand drop to the ground. I'm rooted into the ground with fear. Kanan. Amidst my thoughts I'd almost forgotten to raise my shields and block him out.

Slowly, with my heart racing and my head pounding I turn around.

And there he is, his blinded eyes still covered by a prominent white bandage, but his mouth twisted into a sad frown. "Ezra, I didn't know you were this depressed." He said, in a strangled whisper. I look down at my feet, hanging my head, even though I know he can't see me. "I just can't live knowing that I have so much regrets. So much to hate." I whisper back. And then suddenly, my mind goes back to the first time I was accepted as a crew member on the Ghost, and what Kanan had told me.

"A rebel never regrets what he did. He knows that everything that is done is meant to be done. A rebel has no room for regrets."

Then maybe I'm not a rebel.

 **Yesssss, cliffhanger! I hope everyone enjoyed this; it took me so long to write! Please give me some nice comments, requests are open to all, and I should update soon. I'm sorry if you didn't like this, but no hate-comments please.**

 **Disclaimer- Again, I obviously don't own Star Wars Rebels, as much as I'd like to.**

 **-Fear-**


	3. Sith

**Hello Rebels! Finally, finally I've updated! Yessss. So this is a complete continue of the previous chapter, I hope you like it! This was difficult to write, I kept getting distracted, and I had to do school stuff, and everything just piled up... But here is chapter three! It's a bit short, I know, but hopefully the next chapter will be longer :)**

 **Ok, you all know the drill, pleeeaaase request, review, and hit that fave button!**

 **Oh, and in this version, Ezra hasn't lost his lightsaber yet.**

 **Kanan's POV**

Then maybe I'm not a rebel.

His thoughts echo in my mind and the guilty expression on his face gives me a pang of sorrow. But I can't be so easy on him. Not this time. I put my hand on his shoulder clumsily, and with the force picture his exact position.

"Ezra, what you just tried to do is not acceptable." Ezra looks up at me and I see sad tears collect in his eyes. When he speaks his voice is thick and small. "I can't do this Kanan." He says, biting his lip. "Not anymore. Not after Ahsoka. Not after Maul. Not after you. Not after what I did. I don't have anything to look forward to. My life, my hopes... Nothing. No one would be upset to see me go. And least of all me. I may as well die." He gulps and chokes back a sob, turning away from me.

If Ezra has lost the will to live, then nothing that I do will persuade him to change his mind. I haven't realized how much he is changing, right in front of my eyes. And Ezra has made his decision.

He isn't a Jedi.

 **Ezra's POV**

The first thing I do is get my lightsaber. Get my lightsaber and press my hands against it, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. The metal cracks slightly under the pressure, and I throw it against the door, fuming with anger. I grab Kanan's walking stick and hit it against it, denting it, cracking it, and then, with a hiss, it breaks. I walk towards it, still fuming and then see the delicate blue cyber crystal. Somewhere within me, I have a strange feeling of déjà vu and frown, picking it up. In the back of my mind, I am certain that this has happened before, my broken lightsaber on the floor. I open my hand and see the blue crystal in my hand glitter, before slowly, glimmering, it changes colour. First it turns a light purple, to yellow to orange, to red. Red.

Getting up slowly, I turn to exit the room, but catch sight of me in the mirror and a terrified gasp escapes my throat.

Somehow, somehow, my features have changed. My usually tanned face is ghostly white, with sunken cheeks and prominent cheekbones.

And my eyes. My usual, deep "electric" blue eyes have completely transformed into an ugly colour. I feel bile in my throat but swallow it in disgust. Yellow. I am not a Jedi.

I'm a sith.

 **P.s- forgot to mention! Disclaimer- Only my ideas belong to me!**


	4. Deppressed

**Hiya rebels! I know, i know, it's been a long time. But I've been busy with exams and other fics. Buuuut i didn't want to give up on this yet. Unfortunately I can't update this one as frequantely, its not one of my mains, but I'll still update. Now, for a special mention!**

 **Midnight Luna- Happy late birthday!**

 **Rebels-lover- Yess! C'mon Ezra, fight back XD dont worry, Ezra's is not that crazed yet.**

 **Cassturn93- There's still good in everyone. And i couldn't have ezra being evil so i had to twist it XD**

 **Sins007- Lots of things are possible (evil laughter)**

 **mooniesgurl2468- Thank you!**

 **Ezra's POV**

I stumble back and hit the table. Rubbing my eyes I look back at my reflection and see my normal face, looking slightly paler than usual. I put my hand over my heart and breathe a sigh of relief. But I don't look carefully enough. Maybe then I would see the slightly yellow tinted ring of gold around my irises, mingling with the blue. But I didn't. I was just too grateful that I was back to normal. It didn't even worry me about the face that I saw in the mirror, the face I saw on my own. But before I went out of the room, I felt a sudden dizziness and raised my index finger to my temple, waiting for the sensation to stop. I put an arm out to steady myself. I look up to see the room tilting and I take a step forward. I breathe heavily and fall. Fall... into something soft. I groan, as fingers enclose around me and lift me up. The world sways and flickers, and then I everything goes dark. The last thing I hear is ringing in my ears and a deep, cold voice telling me to surrender.

I wake up, still in something soft. I moan softly and feel gentle hands running through my hair. "Shhh," its Kanan. I bury myself into his chest and sob. "I'm sorry." I whisper, sitting up. "I'm so sorry." I rub my eyes and look up at Kanan's face. His white bandage around his eyes causes me to feel overwhelmed with emotion. I look away. "You do know I can see you." Says Kanan. My heart skips a beat. "Y...you can?" I say. Kanan nods but shrugs. "Yes... No... kind of. I'm beginning to be able to see outlines and shapes. If I concentrate I can see expressions and exact positions." I bite my lip. "Really?" I say uncertainly. "Through the force?" Kanan shakes his head. "Almost. I can actually see it through you." I shake my head. I don't believe it. "Whatever." I mutter. "You're just trying to make me feel better. I'm not thick you know." I get up to leave as we approach Lothal. "There's no hope." But before I go out of the room again, Kanan says something that makes me shiver, something that makes my blood run cold.

"Without hope, we are nothing."

Because that's the last words I ever heard my parents say, through the Jedi's interpretation of death.

 **Sorry its kinda short, but I'm doing homework whilst typing. Hopefully its good, there should be about three more chapters :()**

 **-Fear**


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